Each situation is different and children’s reaction to death will depend on their prior experience, education, cultural background, and understanding of death. Before discussing grief with children, keep in mind their age and maturity. Also take into account their prior experience with death, their relationship to the dying person, the family’s spiritual and / or cultural beliefs, and the child's usual way of coping with stress. 

Avoid using words common place in our adult lives to discuss death like “passed away” or “lost”. Children lose things all the time, but often they are found or show up again at a later date. Use words like “died” or “body stopped working”.

It is important to remember that children naturally feel responsible for the death of someone close. They may not express or articulate this, but this is where their minds and precious little hearts go. Our minds are very adept at filling in gaps that are missing information and children are no different. Filling in the gaps can sometimes create a larger, much more difficult and painful story than the reality of the loss. It is not uncommon for children to hear from their friends about things that may or may not be true. Since this information came from a friend and was not shared by the adult, the trust between adult and child can become fractured. Children need to hear the beginning, middle and end of the story, from their trusted adult.

Most children will not express their grief with words, but in their behaviors. Be prepared for emotional outbursts and acting out. Grieving children can also regress in their behaviors in the form of clinginess, bed wetting or thumb sucking.

Remember that only 10% of communication is verbal, so a calm, patient voice and supportive touch from a safe adult will also help your child regulate their emotions. Talk about positive memories. You can ask the child to write a letter to the loved one or draw a picture to remember the person if they are able to.

Let the child decide whether or not to attend the funeral service. Sometimes it helps the child to say good bye with friends and family near. If at all possible, try to avoid telling children “don’t cry” or “it’s not a big deal”. This can feel like a natural impulse, as many of us were told these same things when we were young. 

Children need to, and often do, move back and forth between grieving and being ordinary children. Like jumping in and out of a puddle, our children can be sad and crying one moment and be laughing and playing in the next moment. If we support our children to feel and express their feelings, we are creating empathetic adults who learn to regulate their feelings and emotions. While we want to maintain a stable environment for our children to feel safe, it is important to remember that we are the greatest teacher and model for our children. A balance between providing stability and emotional honesty in how you are feeling and processing can be a beautiful, safe space for them to model their own grief journey after.