Supporting the emotional and spiritual space of the dying goes back hundreds of years and is honored in many cultures. It is of the utmost importance to protect the sacred space of dying through the gift of intentional presence, to help people feel safe and supported as they make their transition. 

It may also help to talk to your loved one and find out their wishes for funeral arrangements if you have not done so already. Being fully present with our loved one as they are transitioning is so important. Dying is a sensory experience and sometimes the dying may want to have some time alone. People tend to die as they lived, so if they lived a solitary life, they may take this time alone to take their final breath. It is important to understand that, in the experience in tending to hundreds of deaths, the dying pick their moment. It is not uncommon for the final breath to be the moment that you step away to get a cup or tea or visit the restroom, after you have been holding vigil at bedside for countless hours. Please trust in your loved one and their process as best you can.

When a loved one is dying, they may be experiencing various emotions. Listening and encouraging someone to talk about those feelings can help them process these emotions. Try not to look at your dying loved one in the past tense. If they formerly worked as a farmer and have five grandchildren, they are are still a farmer and a grandparent, even if they can’t work their fields or hold their grandchild anymore.

Saying “I love you” and “Thank you for  . . .” or talking about happy times may help to say good bye. In some situations saying “I forgive you for . . .” or “Please forgive me for . . .” can help to gain closure. If your family has unresolved issues, staying in “fight” mode can make it difficult for your loved one to say goodbye. Often, the dying may have messages they want you to deliver to those not present during this process. Make sure to have a notebook present to write messages down if they come up and if possible, check with the dying on when they would like these messages to be delivered, in real time or after they have passed. 

Sometimes letting your loved one know you will be “okay” may ease their worries and help them to pass on.

Please do not be afraid to hug, touch, or hold your loved one.  A simple massage of the hands or feet can offer your loved one much support and security. This is not only support of the physical body, but support of the mental and emotional body of both the dying and the caregiver. Consider if there are any pets in the house that the dying may want near. Our furry family members are an integral part of our daily living and can play an integral part as we are dying. Animals understand death and allowing them to visit during your loved one’s transition, not only supports your loved one’s process, but can also help your furry family members process losing their “person”.

The use of music may relax your loved one. Some like to play calm, soothing music in the background to help ease the energy of the room. Music does not have to be the focus, but can support the mood as a background. The music choice does not have to be somber or sad, it can be upbeat, if it calls in smiles, good memories and tears of joy.

Reading from favorite books, poetry or scripture can be lovely. Remembering that hearing is believed to be the last sense to go, so while your loved one may not be responsive, they can still hear you and your readings.

Spiritual support may lend your loved one peace and comfort. Bringing in spiritual support or a spiritual representative (i.e. chaplain or clergy person) can help support both the dying and the caregiver.