Offering Support To Those Who Are Grieving: Kāko’o Others
Even after all this time, the sun never says to earth “You owe me”. Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole world.
~ Hafiz ~
Your aloha (love) and support of grieving loved ones is especially important in the early weeks after the death. Remember that there is nothing you can say or do that will heal the grief. Grief is not for you to cure or fix, it is only yours to bear witness. Those that are grieving need your aloha (love) and support and often need you to be gently assertive in offering your help.
Remember that just because someone might appear to be carrying grief well, doesn’t mean that it isn’t heavy.
Here are some considerations to best show your aloha (love) and support.
-
Attending the funeral, services, or celebration of life.
Staying present and keeping a soft, open heart.
Being a comfortable and confiding presence for the grieving.
Listening with your ears and an open heart.
Letting their reaction be what it is, it is not yours to fix.
Visiting or call often. Texting works too!
Helping with chores and practical matters.
Helping by cooking and delivering meals.
Inviting your grieving friends to functions.
Asking about the decedent’s life and just listen.
Asking your loved one to share their favorite story / memory about the decedent.
Keeping eye contact.
Accepting silence and just be present, don’t underestimate the supportive power of silence.
Checking in with your feelings about death and grief. Many are uncomfortable with death and grief and when attempting to offer support, end up making it about them.
Supporting seeking professional help if brought up by the bereaved.
-
• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• “Please accept my condolences”.
• “I’m just a phone call away anytime you need an ear or a shoulder.”
• “They were so wonderful and will be missed by so many people.”
• “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.”
• “I wish I had the right words to comfort you, but I just don’t know what to say.”
• “You and your ‘ohana (family) will be in my thoughts and prayers.”
-
Refrain from telling the bereaved how they should feel.
Refrain from sharing your stories of loss, unless directly asked to share by those grieving. It’s not about YOU!
Refrain from probing for details about the death. If your loved one wants to share about the death, just listen.
Refrain from feeling the need to fill the silence with chatter.
Refrain from talking about the trivial in front of the bereaved.
Refrain from asking the bereaved for anything other than what you can do to help them
-
“How are you doing?”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They are in a better place.”
“Life goes on.”
“Time heals all.” or “Time will heal.”
“It’s been awhile, you should move on.”
“Be strong.” or “Stay strong.”
“You’ll get through this.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
“You’re young, you can have more children.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“Please don’t cry.”
Remember to be politely and respectfully persistent with your support. Sometimes the grieving family or friend may decline your support, but letting them regularly know you are there for them will make it easier for them to come to you when they are ready. Again, just because someone carries it well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Instead of saying “I’m here if you need me”, try to give them more specific, tangible support like “I would like to clean your house this week, what day is best for you?” or “I would like to drop off some dinners this week, what days will be most helpful for you?” or “I would like to take care of your children so you can get some rest, what time works best for you?”
If someone begins to cry in front of you, just be with it. Your silent presence is a gift, most everyone just wants an ear or a shoulder. Avoid handing the person a tissue right away. Nothing stops crying faster than handing someone a tissue. Crying is a beautiful, natural body response that releases and can help to reset our fragile, grieving nervous system.